Shaking hands

I just remember (and out myself in the position of the songwriter of) the song that goes something like: “sweet darling, please excuse my writing, I can’t help my hands from shaking”.

Why you ask? Because I just sent a very inappropriate facebook message. It was inappropriate. Very. But I had to let it out. I had to let her know I still think of her, that in glad she is happy because she looks happy and the facts that she makes it public means a LOT. Means really happy. But that I don’t know where I’m standing in all this situation. And I’m sure I have no right of asking that, since I put her in this situation first 3 years ago. I know this is what she felt, not only this but worse. Well, but this is how I handle the situation, this is how I feel it and how I express it. This is me not handling the situation really.

Can I have your arms to hold me please? May I have your voice and ear? Please let me have a moment with you, not to explain, just for you to tell me you still care as much as I do. That you still think of me, not sometimes, but every single day in meaningless things, listening to every new music and songs that under the skin you dedicate to me. Please. Because that is what I do. Not because I moved somewhere else, not because I made a decision first, doesn’t mean I don’t do that. I do!

And now I feel ashamed and hurt that I have been praying and dreaming as dedicating songs to someone who doesn’t think of me anymore, who listens to songs, who sees the moon and the stars, who draws the infinite symbol without thinking of me anymore. Who hasn’t even talked about me anymore. Or it happens just sometimes.

Probably hasn’t even mentioned my name (referring to me) in three years. When I mention her name almost everyday. I guess that’s what hurts. That I didn’t manage to transcend. That it was an infinite that was over after two years, or not even.

I have always thought that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Is that what you feel? That’s what I feel from you.

May I have a shoulder? I just want to cry and deeply think of you, remember you, us. Deeply fall into depression until I have no more tears for you.

I wish you reply to my message with a: “please don’t wrote to me again, and yes, it was more that inappropriate” so that I can be angry, mad for days, cry not because I lost you, but cry because there is nothing left, nothing at all. Is better to finish things with heart feelings, because then you realize it was for the best, it wasn’t worth the time the tears and the love.

If you have forgotten me, If you are over me, please tell me I’m out of your life so I can forget you faster and easier.

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